LAUGH CLOWNS, LAUGH April Fools WICK TECH ACADEMY Vol.69 - No. 3% photo by Mag Motorhead MISTER X - This bold Wick Tech streaker was spotted by a Shambar cameraperson after being released form Woodside Hospital yesterday. The dasher, Jimmy Jimmereenok frosh in audacity, proudly displays his rather prominent "X." Jesus Christ, reputed son of God, spinner of proverbs, and popular recording artist, will bring his "Second Coming Re view" to Beeghly Center at 8 p.m., Saturday, said Gina Goyun of Major Events yesterday. Tickets are priced at $6 with proceeds going to the purchase of Israeli War Bonds. Ducat sales ,t,q fl.fi ft a.n.t.t.a s Seemingly reinforcing Goyun's claim is a spokesperson for Christ who insists, "Jesus sayeth he shall appear; let us await him with overrunneth cups." Worlds in Collusion Because of a groundswell of popular antipathy, Imman- ual Velikovsky will not appear as a part of this years Artist Lecture series at 8 p.m. Saturday, April 3, The o Shambar learned yesterday. % Velikovsky, a world re nowned sonambulist and radio announcer from Jupi- 2 ter, could not be awoken for ? comment rrrau r?va a a a a1 treaker, security rendevous t have been slow, however, as many students feel'the cost is prohibit ive. "Sure, v/e knew the price was high," Guyon commented, "but hell, Christ is a big name. He used to draw huge throngs in the old Zatllty fannies flaunted" days^ It was miraculous." Christ will be making his first local appearance, although his ad vance men have worked in the area for many years, making his works well-known to the local populace'. Rumors have been pro liferating of late that Christ will not keep his commitment o per form this weekend. "They're totally., unfounded," Goyun in sists, although she admits Kohoutek's breech ? of contract did leave 6,000 irate students without entertainment last Jan uary. Shambar editor, Marvin Droll, was kidnapped yesterday by alUeged White House employed Greeks, The Shambar learned. A ransom note, delivered yes terday to Shambar news editor and heir-apparent, John Prancer, presented several demands: l.)a 1. ) a nutrition program that would include the introduction of food to the WTAcafeteria. 2. ) the opening of the Kilcaw- ley Student Center before the end of the decade. 3. ) a course in Polish history concentrating on jokes. 4. ) a free appearance by the kidnappers oh Color Channel 27's Money Movie to explain their demands and gain a chance at the jackpot. Chief of Chief of WTA Security Paul Cress said that Droll was evident ly bound and gagged in his office after a brief struggle. "There appears to have been a fight," Crass said, "because var ious things of Droll's were found scattered about. Especially dam aged was the cover of a Time magazine that Droll had his pic ture superimposed on." Prancer said Prancer said that he saw the bound Droll being carried out of his office by two men, one women and a beaver but did not suspect anything "because. Droll always led a kinky sex life." Prancer in a statement to the press yesterday noted that The Shambantaff has stared a fund for Droll that so far s netted SI.98 plus a "coupla Plaid stamps." "We're really going to mi-is the kid," Prancer said. "He was a good reporter but his anti-Greek bias and his sordid sex life fjially caught up with him." When reached for comme.at on the Greek kidnappers alleged link with the White House, presiden tial aid Ron Zeigler denied Droll's existance. Later, however, he recanted, calling his initial state ment "inoperative." Zeigler then produced a tape recording H>f Droll consisting mostly of sobs, 'whimpers, and unexplained gaps. , Droll's family was reportedly trying to reach an accomodation with the kidnappers, a ftra'Uy spokesperson said. "We contacted "We contacted the felons, and offered to put S10 down on the boy with additional payments of S20 a month," he said, "but they turned us down. Right now we're looking into the possibility of turkey raffles and candy bar sales door to door. Several local paro chial schools have already offered their assistance." Dr. Jeffery Dr. Jefferey C. Camembert, president of WTA, said the.t he always considered Droll "an. aberration under my purview," adding that he was glad someome finally "got rid of that little pest." Camembert felt that he would have a much better working rela tionship with Prancer :since Prancer is his illegitimate son. (Cont. on page 5) A crowd of 2,000 students stood in Kilcawley Amphitheater yesterday and watched.the first apprehension by campus security of a streaker here at WTA. The streaker, Jimmy Jim mereeno, a frosh in A&S majoring in flamboyance, was immediately taken to Woodside Receiving Hospital as had been promised previously by the chief of WTA campus security. Jimmereeno was ' placed, in solitary confinement at. Woodside upon his arrival there while the hospital director con ferred with his architects on the immediate construction of a Streaker's Wing to be added to the hospital. After the After the brief meeting the hospital director had Jimmereeno released from solitary and put on display in the main lobby. , City police, however, were also anxious, to get their hands on Jimmereeno. A vice-squad lieu tenant was heard to say, "This is no way to treat exhibit A." Following a Following a conference be tween police, hospital, and cam pus security officials, Jimmereeno was sent up to the hospital's fifth floor and put on a treadmill. Jimmereeno says he will file' a grievance with Student Council if he receives a prison sentence as a result pf his.apprehension.'.;, , ?. ? The Shambar, Page 2 WICK TECH ACADEMY April Fools Jowls Asjour sister publication, The Jambar, continues to barrage our embattled President (Richard M Nixxon) with innuendoes, allegations, and accusations, a surreptitious strain becomes readily apparent which prods these irresponsible writers to anti-Nixxon fruition: The President (let us admit it) is.not an attractive man. In fact, he is down-right ugly. The real motivation behind bleeding heart castigation of ouf President thus appears, in reality, to be based upon aesthetic, rather than legal considerations. Ugliness is not, however, a sufficient reason to impeach our President! Let us scrutinize the southpaw's logic: Mr. Nixxon 1) has shifty eyes, 2) sports flapping jowls, 3) grows a heavybeard thrice daily, 4) possesses an obtrusive probiscus, 5) owns a sweaty upper-lip when prevaracating, and 6) obstructed justice and conimitted a myriad of criminal acts. Certainly, the first five arguments fall as irresponsible. One look at Andrew Johnson shows another president of ismarkable ugliness, who, though impeached, was not convicted. Thus, predecent belies incarceration because of ugliness. As for the sixth charge, our wet-lipped chief executive assures us he is innocent. That is enough for The Shambar!' Gun control The Board of Trustees in a move last week clearly attempted to woo public support and gain sympathy in their struggle against the YSY-YELP by ordering every tenth member ~of that organization shot. The mass execution reportedly took place over spring break in the Kilcawley Amphitheatre. The Shambar cannot stand by while the fire-arm control laws of this nation are flouted in such a high-handed manner. We vigorously protest. Tommy Tugboat, president of the YSU-YELP, publicly denounced the slaughter as a "direct violation of the administration-YELP agreement and, as far as I know, contrary to all the accepted means of settling labor disputes." Claiming that the action would not intimidate YELP, Tugboat said he would urge his successor to bring the matter to the attention of the National Labor Relations Board and the NRA. Published once and only once, ever, by the students of Wick Tech Academy and under o absolutely no authority whatsoever. Editorial material and comments are the irresponsibility of the editors. Advertising rates unavailable. Gloria Steinperson ^ Editor in Chief Reg Murphy (- News Editor Julie N. Eisenhower}- Copy Editor April Fools\ Managing Editor News Staff: Ted Baxter, Hal Boyle, Truman Capote, Lou Grant, Ester Hamilton, Chet Huntley, Charles F. Kane, Lois Lane, William Loeb, Henry R. Luce, Jimmy Olson, Regis Philbin, Joe Pulitzer, Marie Torres, Ron Zeigler Time-Space Consultants: Zeno, Herman Hermaphrodite Make-up Staff: David Bowie Clifford Irving, Helena Rubenstein, Max Factor, Peter Revson Photographer: Norman Rockwell David Eisenhower Advertising: Gordon Ward (Manager), H.R. (Bob) Haldeman (Sales Manager), Wilson Brian Key Sports: Roberto Clemente, Patricia Hearst, Jimmy Piersall, Lance Rentzel Secretary: Rose Mary Woods Says sleepwalking is bullshit To the editor of The Shambar. . I have begged and I have plead ed for amelioration but none has been forthcoming. My exhortat ions against the pomposity and the somnabulance that 1 have been confronted with have been received as though they were vic- iusly intended attacks, although in certain quarters the practice of reawakening the arrogant is held in high esteem. But alas, though all men must at some time humble themselves, it shall not be me to you. I spurn you and your ways. I will elsewhere. go Soren Kierkegaarde Junior A&S Says terminal cancer is bullshit To the editor of The Shambar. From the moment you're born they make you feel small. Who, you ask, the piggies. You know, the ones that are out to dinner with their piggie wives. l I'm just fed up with them. They're like pimps on the corner of Wil son Avenue and Lincoln. And you people that run the newspaper establishement, you're no more credible than Sam the Sham, or even his y Pharoahs. Why I can remember when they were stars, and we were all "wool- y bullying" around campus. Maj or Events tried to get them for a concert, but their asking price was too high. And this war on cancer the government purports to be con ducting. Bullshit, I say. Cigarette smoking is better for people than any of that god blasted oral sex these Socialist preverts are trying to push off on we the . Why'I've been smoking three packs of condoms a day for over three years now, and I've never felt better in my life. The other day I tried to park my car on campus, and this big ugly cop came up to my car and put a ticket on it. I pleaded with him -not to do it, and told him I hadn't had a bite in weeks. So he bit me. Hope he gets something t0Plap about. Bureaucrats, Bureaucrats, Bur-, eaucrats. These people should ?11 be forced to watch Mission Im possible for the rest of their lives. They'd be cursing at Barbara Bain, screaming at her to strip and expose herself to an acetyl ene torch. Well, enough for now. Peace. Ralph Kiamden Split End A&S Says 3.2 beer is bullshit To the editor of The Shambar: Despite the stumbling blocks encountered in recent negotiat ions in which a distrubing breach of trust by the University has threatened not only the letter but also the spirit of the "consortium", we, the WTA'- ?YELP, must reaffirm that which is in the best interest of education at this facility. In the Agreement of last spring, it clearly states that liquor shall be acceptable for faculty social events. Yet now, when it is time for implementation, the ad ministration recants and disbars all but 3.2 beer. Their official position is that their authority does not exceed the low-powered suds. Bullshit! They must remember th.it Is is us, the faculty who are ths uni versity qua university and refuse to be demenaed to third-class status. Dr. Tommy Tugboat Professor of Rhetoric President, YSU-YELP Thinks ecology is bullshit To the editor of The Shambar: If we really want o stop ecol ogy, we all will have to take action now. Some of us must write letters to City Council re questing declarations of ecology weaks. Others must make displays and posters revealing the shocking tarantulan syphilus that is strang ling our rivers. Others must teach classes in ecological destruction, like Sister Snag, and encourage others, like my own concerned citizenship, to write letters, clog ging our mass media with infor mation about the orrow. . 1 think that one of the most important things everyone must do right now is'to dispense with the Catholic Church. Think of the energy which would be saved. I have. Imagine if every American stayed home on Sundays instead of driving out on. hot days through the slush and the hail, sperming out poison and pulver into the fresh, clean air. Think of the heat we'd save if we negated those noii,y belltower and huge buildings (churches) which ob struct our view of the rusty hori zon. Above all, we must remem ber the maxibm: T*H*I*N*K! J.WZabel Says scorekeeping is bullshit To the editor of The Shambar: Once again it becomes necess ary fox us, the defenders of s students, CASS, to defend our selves against those who" wish to. exploit the students of YSU. CASS: 3,000,000, Them: 0. In the March 24 issue of The Shambar there appeared a letter accusing CASS of wanting to make the University Senate an entirely student-run , student membered organization. TThis was never claimed by CASS: 4,000,000, Them:-250! ? Also, we was claimed to have asked for all classes to be student -taught! Ha, we never said that, neither! CASS: 6,000,000, Them: CASS agrees that alls the ad ministration should do is control (Cont. on page 3) April Fools WICK TECH ACADEMY The Shambar, Page 3 Insertion Says Chevalier is bullshit The Jambar's-hopelessly irresponsible editorial policies coupled with a chronically inimical attitudes toward us and our goals has resulted in an informational vacuum on campus with respect to our organization, the Young Hegelians. Thus it is that, as a last resort, we turn to this column as a means of informing the student body as to some of our activities, and of bringing about a balance in the coverage of campus news. In keeping with its organizational goal of remaining well-informed concerning world-wide Hegelian activities, your local Hegelian group dispatched two delegates to the First Hegelian International, held during spring break in Zagreb, Yugoslavia. The delegates were financed through our local chapter's fund-raising activities. (At this point we would like to-thank the University for its cooperation with our efforts in allowing us the use of Bliss Hall lobby for our bake sale, and Room 267 of the Engineering Science Building for our car wash.) The university community can be proud of the leading roles its two delegates played in the First International. They showed their outstanding leadership qualities in every aspect of the convention. They led the floor fight for the controversial and far-reaching "Lincoln Amendment," which denounces the international slave trade as "brutal and immoral," and which calls for its immediate abolition. Furthermore, our delegates played prominent roles in the drafting of the convention's final resolution, as well as sweeping first and second places in the International's talent competition for their hilarious impersonation of the late Maurice Chevalier and his pet lamp shade "Philo," singing "Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise." After compiling a list of "Our Favorite Jokes" to be sent to Parade magazine for publication, the convention got down to the business at hand. Most of this year's session was taken up by the airing of the controversial question of whether it's better to squeeze pimples or to wait until they just go away. The former, or "squeezing" faction was spearheaded by the vociferous Albanian delegation; they were opposed by a bloc consisting mainly of delegates form Western Europe and the Americas. A third group, or "Tackle" faction, advocated the use of patent medicine in dealing with the problem. They were quickly shouted down, however, and subsequently exposed as undercover agents of the Department of Agriculture who had infiltrated the convention. The U.S. government quakes at the mere mention of our organization's name. As is the duty of all local chapters of the Young Hegelians, we have distilled the principles put forward in the documents of the first International into an action program for the WTA campus. Although some of the proposals and demands may seem radical, they are entirely consistent with the predominant Hegelian principle of raising the political consciousness of the masses. They.proceed from the slogan: "All power to the students!" The WTA chapter of the Young Hegelians is dedicated to the realization of this program through all possible means (violence not excluded). (This list will take three hours or more to read.) 1. We demand that there always be chocolate milk in the cafeteria. 2. We demand a reliable system of refunds for those who lose their money in the Servomation machines. 3. We demand that the recreational hours of Beeghly be expanded. 4. We demand that the contracts of Profs. William Hunt and Bhagwati Poddar be immediately terminated. 5. We demand the immediate resignation of President Pugsley. 6. We demand the abolition of the present university administrative structure, and its subsequent reformulation according to the principles of pornocracy. The WTA Chapter of the Young Hegelians will never rest until all of these objectives are realized. Until then, the name of the Young Hegelians will continue to strike fear into the hearts of Earl Butz and all his lackeys! ALL POWER TO THE PROSTITUES! ALL ONE-ARMED MEN OFF CAMPUS! The Young Hegelians Past, Present and to come The coming thing ; by Billy Base Circlejerk, the rock 'n roll world's newest super-group, have fans flocking in droves to the nearest record shop for their debut album, Beat It, a platter that's already good as gold and sur' to be a classic in years to come. With fists flying, Circlejerk are shooting straight to the top of the charts in an attempt to estab lish themselves hands down as The Band Of The Future. Led by lead guitarist Onan Puller, formerly, of Jumping Cheeses, the band is currently practicing in the front row of a Kansas City porn-film house for its forthcoming national tour. The stage show should be quite a sight: guitarist Puller claims to own a guitar that's also a gigantic squirt-gun. Themetically, Beat It presents Choo-Choos buzz Track-Offs This year's competition in the Intramural Electric Train Racing has been brought to a successful conclusion. The event, more pop: ular than ever in its fifth year drew a record 14 participants. The races were held over the weekend in the offices of the Dean of the School of Business Administration in Lincoln Pro ject. Repeating as individual champ ion, all around was Bill "Casey" jones. Jones broke into the big time last year with his stunning upset of last year's defending champion "Choo-Choo" Charley McGee. Jones showed true cham pionship form again this year in taking three of the five individual events: Straightaway, tunnel, and unloading and uncoupling. Taking the team champion ships this year was a new team, the Track-offs. The Track-offs were sparked by Al "Caboose" jenkins and Ed "Big Engine" O'Reilly who scored triumphs in cornering and loading cattle, res pectively. The awards were presented by Miss Tina Taylor, sophomore, arts and sciences, who previously had been voted by all participants as the girl with whom they would most like to "couple up." the main thrust of Circlejerk's musical energies quite powerfully in the hard-rocking manner of heavies like "Gimme Five," "Super-Stroker," and "Who Needs Groupies?" but still man ages to make its point h coun trified stuff such as "Mountain Poker," "Handy Andy," and the sensuous "Ballad.of Rosie Palm." Rejecting the machismo pos- turings of Elvis, the fey prancing of Mick Jagger, the trans-sexual tomfoolery of Alice-Cooper, and the bisexual confusion of David Bowie, Beat It puts Circlejerk into the public eye with a whole new way to boogie! (Cont. from page 2) ;ie issues that weigh in the final outgrowth of university policy in regards to, in lieu, in fact, to.alls that would normally be the dir ect, albeit in officio, that we could not be, as non-voting mem bers, but not negligible at this moment. CASS: 8,999,999, Them: -6,000,000,000!! Final score: C ASS: 334,556,767,889,090! Them: -999,999,999! tlASSIFIEtJS WANTED - Need ride to Sheboygan immediately. Mate or female, prefer neither. Call or' phone 374-8869 day or night, anytime. FOR SALE -1958 Dodge fair condition. Back seat stained. Call 374-987. WANTED - Recycle those used prophylactics. Tire manufacturer will pay $12,50 pert ton. Call 34-2340 for pick-up. WANTED - Sales men to do light housework. Must be neat. Apply In person ? no phone calls, please. Area code 777 666-8456. 'Try a Delicious, BIG SMACK Two patties of "meat" cut paper thin, plenty of-yellow lettuce, red pickles, and a sauce dredged up from ti.e bowels of the earth, all on a great'poppy seed bun. You deserve a break today, so get up and ge: iaway from IMcSweany's.. Under the goiden crutches I Painful" - American Society of Accupuncturists | |"SEXellent DWEOARTKH"- National FraternityJ J of Subliminal SadvertisersEX | J I | Dr. Wilson Brian Subliminal explains how nationalj I advertisers try to put symbols of hunger and thirst under! J the skins of millions of Americans, without their being| I aware of it. Dr. SubliminaTs book shows examples tha.tj really get under our skin. I VIA . i "7 IA f\p.i'l**r Hi 'J"ft ? '?n 1* 1 ' r?H Bruce Lee Vice-President Eugene Debbs President. : The Shambar, Page 4 WICK TECH ACADEMY April Fools Promise to be real ''Dike bombers'? Ball-felt feud rages The outlook for WTA foot ball's upcoming grid season was. considerably brightened last week with the announcement by head coach Dike "Dwight" Ramsey of the recruitment of several local high school stars. Ramsey was ecstatic in his praise of the four catches, and went so far as to predict an undefeated campaign for the team if the four remain healthy. "Why I'm so happy, could kiss the hps off a polar bear," Ramsey said. The WTAmentor, who led the team to a highly impressive 4-6 log in his rookie campaign in - 1973, continued his praise by saying, "Hot diggety damn, we is gonna have a hot time in the old town tonight." The first of the "quintessial quartet," as Ramsey dubbed them, is the brother f Pittsburgh Steelers defensive tackle Ernie "Fats" Homes. Like his bombas tic brother, young Amos "Coot" Homes, who will graduate from Pittsburgh High School in June, is a member of (he National Rifle Association as well as being a member of the National Honor Society in high school. Coot is a quarterback prospect, who Ranv- sey claims has a "shotgun arm." Coot's brother. Ernie has only half those credentials. The second Penguin hot pros pect is a running back from Vienna High School, Danny "Carplips" Droll. Droll's main . claim to fame is that throughout his little league, junior high, and high school playing days, he has never been tackled. Carplips com mented by saying, "If I ever get tackled, I'm gonna quit this stu pid game." Ramsey is high on Droll basic ally . because Danny gave him about a hundred of the little white pills he takes before each practice session. "The Carp told me to take them all at once, so I did," the diminutive Penguin guider of grid fortuenes said. Number three for you and me is a defensive back from North Jackson, Shane "Bowling Lane" McLain, who turned down offers from Notre Dame, Southern Cal, and Denison. McLain, who lost the use of his left testicle ing a childhood auto accident, is described by Ramsey as being a. "gutsy little comtetitor, a small guy with a Jot of ball." But the fans will adore number four much more. Destined to become the most l player in Penguin history is Christopher "Babs" Jurgensen, the first foot ball transvestite to dare to play in the Youngstown area. Babs claims to be a distant n of Washing ton Rednecks' quarterback Sunny ? Jurgensen. Babs, a wide receiver, will wear the garb of a WTA cheerleader, in addition to his standard paisley shoulderpads and madras (bleeding) supporter. So that's the story, sports fans, all you jocks and jockettes out there: A group of WTA students majoring in T&CC department of Ball Point Pen Repair have filed a formal grievance against the de partment with the University's Bureau of Student Affairs yester day charging that the department continually rejects student input into departmental affairs. A spokesperson for the dis sident students, Freddy Freeman, currently on probation after fail ing Communications I, II, and III, Quenton cla Vets WTA's 1400 Vietnam Era veterans may be marching to a different drummer next year if retired Army General Quenton Hogue, newly appointed head of federal veterans programs in Washington, can make his voice heard in Capitol * corridors. "Why, if we'd known they were going to be such a bunch of whining sissies," Hogue said yes terday at a press confernece, "we'd never have taken them into the service in the first place. Personally, if they don't quit their squawking about late checks and not enough to live on and Vietnam, I'd like to see them all get cut off without a red cent." "Vietnam's been over for more than a year now," Hogue stated. "What have they done " "Maybe what they need to shape themselves up," Hogue went on, "is to have what they're getting now cut off and to have to, pay back all they've received so far. That'd straighten 'em right out. And I'm sure die federal government could find an inter national banking cartel to finance low interest loans for those who didn't have the cash on hand." "I just don't understand them" Hogue concluded, "and if I didn't know they'd already served, I'd say that what they needed was to be drafted. told The Slambar this morning that, "This department is full of a bunch of old farts who refuse to modernize. All we're asking for is the inclusion of felt-tips into the curriculum." Speaking for the department of Ball Point Pen Repair, Dr. Morel E. Upright has gone on record as stating that, "These students aren't able to com-^ prehend the magnitude of the ^ problem. Their immature and emotional railings havs given the University a distorted picture of the issues." "The Ball Point has survived the test of time," Upright con tinued. "It has proven itself in all types of situations, whereas these new felt tips - well, the points mush down. There's no getting away from it, I don't caier" whether.they put protective col lars around the points or not!" The students claim however, ?that felt-tips are the pens of the future and have stated that if their demands are, not met, they will voluntarily organize and assist the construction crews working on the long-overdue T&CC building. Student assist ance in completing the construct ion of the building will, the students feel, embarrass the entire University. 1. That's Rudolf Menda, he gets his jollies jumping outiof a WWI zepplin with led shoes. 2. No, that's Bruno Samantha, he loves to punch out fruitcakes. 3. No, that's Tony Rigotta, he dresses up like a sandwich and waits for dogs to lick him between the salami and cheese. 4. Wrong again, his name is Buddy Galeppo, he loves to look at tutus under tutus. 5. Of course not, that's Katrina Womka, she dances up a storm at the drop of a hat, although she prefers that you drop more than your hat. 6. Right. That's "Bones" McCoy. Even his appearance shows he's a Kamal man. 7. No again, you idiot, he's Whammo Torpippi, he loves to craps whereever he goes. 8. Hu uh ... that's Rexnar Xdjruyemjfg (You couldn't pronounce his middle name) He's trying to get back to his native Mars by ladder. 9. No you fool, you fool, that's Blanco Grippe, apprentice to the Senior Santiation Engineer. His motto is -"Pick up that @%&%+t+%/! paper you dropped." '