we had the guts to 
'print It-now let's 
see 11 u have the 
guts to read It11 
Tuesday, April 1, 
Can 
suicide 
- YSU President John Coffup is 
dead. His body was found in his 
office "yesterday by campus 
security after his secretary 
complained that he was not 
answering liis intercom. The 
president was found hanging by 
the neck from a chandelier. His 
hands were tied behind his back. 
Campus security ruled the 
death a suicide. "He got really 
hung up by all that red tape," 
said security chief Paul Distress in 
a moment of levity. 
A memo, was found 
paperclipped to the president's 
belt buckle. The note said, "Can't 
buy me love, hence goodbye, 
Ruby Tuesday." The note was 
apparently alluding to popular 
rock and roll lyrics of the sixties. 
Sources close to the president 
said he had been feeling depressed 
of late. Coffup had secretly 
sought psychiatric help from 
Consoling Center head Dr. U. R. 
Crazy. "I think his problem was 
that he couldn't help students 
enough to soothe, his guilty 
conscience, or maybe he just 
wasn't right in the nead. But I 
don't think I helped him much." 
Several public statements 
recently imade by the president 
hint that he was contemplating 
suicide for .sometime. In 
February, during a public auction 
held- to raise money for the 
university, Coffup announced, 
"I'd auction off my body, but I 
know none of you ladies would 
give me a wooden nickel for it." 
At a meeting of the board of 
trustees last month, Coffup 
me love/ 
explains 
countered a motion to investigate 
his office's efficiency in the use 
of paper clips by saying, "If you 
don't leave me alone, I don't 
know what I'm likely to do!" 
Both remarks were reportedly 
made in jest. 
The most tantalizing hint 
uncovered by The Slambar was a 
memo sent to Joseph Rooked, VP 
of money. In the memo, Coffup 
said, "I'm going to hang myself 
on 7:30 p.m. Friday, March 28." 
"I didn't think he was serious," 
said Rooked. 
Dr. Taylor Alderperson will be 
acting president of YSU until 
somebody worthwhile can be 
selected, according to a resolution 
passed at an emergency meeting 
of the Bored ofTrustees. 
"My administration, 
irregardless. of how long it lasts, 
will be remembered for a long 
time to come," said'Alderperson: 
When asked to elaborate, 
Alderperson replied, "You get 
out of here!" 
We had the guts to 
print it-now let's 
see If you have the 
guts to read it II 
Vol. 52-No.?fe 
Slambar staff repels insurgents 
Easy Street 
Appa Kappa Zappa 
president Tom Topps 
announced today that 
application forms are now 
available for. 1987 Miss 
Congeniality. Topps noted 
the only requirements for the 
title are a winning smile, a 
great body and in Topps 
words, "the morals of Xaviera 
Hollander." 
seeks refuge in Venezuela 
Claiming their rights as 
reporters had been usurped, and 
citing an infringement upon 
freedom of the press, the editorial 
staff of The Jambar resigned en 
masse Monday morning, and are 
reported to be awaiting passage 
on a boat to Venezuela, where 
they hope to begin a left-wing 
political newspaper. 
Th e Slambar managed to 
obtain an interview with editor of 
the o the'r publication Ann 
Brimam. She said "'You dont 
know what we had to go through, 
day after day, week after week, it 
was awful. Well, they won't have 
The Jambar staff to kick around 
anymore. I say, let's go where 
someone will really appreciate 
us." 
The staff claims YSU 
administrators had been 
pressuring them for' "God knows 
how long," according to Briman, 
to run weekly scores of their 
intramurals team, the Tamecocks. 
The Jambar had resisted most 
efforts by administration 
members to publish game results. 
However, last week, according to 
the editor, staff members found a 
door to the building kicked in, 
and a message taped to the 
editor's typewriter, threatening 
her with abduction unless she 
agreed to, as the note read, 
"publicize both our games and 
our after-games activities, which 
(Cont. on page 8) 
aW?^?*i. 11 .... 
^??fii 
THE SLAMBAR was defended yesterday during a bloody siege conducted by various 
student body elements. Shown in upper left hand corner is the swift execution of the leader 
of the insurgents by an officer of the SLS(SIanibar Loony Squad) following a hasty and 
rather one-sided trial- PITY. 
Food service recipe file uncovered 
campus security office cabinet 
What appears to be a ,YSU 
food service "recipe file" of all 
foods served in Kilcawley Center, 
has been maintained in the YSU 
Campus Security Office since at 
least fall quarter 1908, when 
students first began to complain 
about the food. The file has been 
updated to include recipes as 
recent as winter quarter. 1975, 
according to information made 
available to The Slambar. 
A file cabinet, located in the 
Kilcawley office. of Paul 
Watercress, chief of YSU  security, 
contains the recipes of all foods 
and beverages served in the 
Center, possibly because they are 
deemed health risks. 
The possibility of other files 
tabulating the total amount of 
meat used per quarter may be 
stored in a padlocked cabinet in 
Watercress' office, The Slambar 
learned. 
Included in the "recipe files" 
was a separate "enemies list" 
listing the names of several 
snackbar employees that do not 
wear hair nets and the names of 
cooks who shape meat patties 
larger than the 1/8 cafeteria 
standard thickness. Also 
contained in the list was the name 
of a Slambar reporter, Mark 
Squirrel, who wrote a story on 
fast food companies possibly 
taking over the present food 
service. 
Also discovered was an "allies 
Eleven drop off? 
list" listing the names of five 
students, two faculty members, 
and a security guard who have 
not yet complained about the 
..food program. 
When Phil Hershey, director of 
Kilcawley center, learned that 
many of the Kilcawley employees 
'were on the "enemies list," his 
only comment (was 'T guess the 
Center had better invest in some 
hair nets..." 
Faculty bails out fast 
, Eleven YSU faculty members 
were killed yesterday as they 
mobbed a chartered flight 
departing for Ohio State 
University as a part of the new 
Ohio faculty exchange program. 
Eleven thousand faculty 
members rushed for the plane 
which only had room for eighteen 
instructors. Seven instructors who 
were attempting to hang on to 
the wings were killed instantly 
when they fell into the Mahoning 
River. Four others threw 
themselves in front of the plane 
as it speeded down the runway, 
screaming, "Even Da Nang is 
better than this rotting hole." 
Funeral services will be held in 
Kilcawley Amphitheatre 
tomorrow. At that time, passages 
will be read from the WEO-YSU 
agreement, and from Those who 
* (Cont. on page 6) 
The Slambar, Page 2  Tuesday, April 1, 1975 
Slammed 
Some intellectual snobs on this campus are making it 
tough for the rest of us to get the educations we so badly 
need. A recent editorial in another campus publication 
charged the University with catering to less intelligent 
students in their choice of textbooks simply to keep the 
tuition coming. The writer of that editorial claimed, in 
effect, the majority of YSU students are. dumb. 
It appears; the writer of that editorial is merely jealous 
because the majority of students here really enjoy school. 
The time has come for some candid discussion about the 
type of education we are receiving at . For one thing, 
textbooks are geared to the  student, the 
down-to-earth, ail-American kind who'd rather look at 
pretty pictures any day than read e nonsensical trash 
about a long-forgotten war or a dead president. r all, 
how relevant is the Cuban missile crisis or the laws of supply 
anddemand in a technological society? 
Also, it's a shame the way e people complain about 
the type of student leadership we have here. Our Student 
Council is the best around. They meet once a week, in a 
public place no less, and some of them are even sympathetic 
to students' troubles. Now, what more could the average 
student want? 
Furthermore, we've got a pretty swell administration. 
When the files were discovered in the security office, they 
did something. When students wanted to be a part of the 
collective bargaining process here, they did something. y 
didn't even, sit still when a band of disgruntled CASE 
members set fire to the executive office . 
And those Penguin sp'orts teams. It just s to show that 
great coaching and loyal fans can build a strong university. 
Those students who gripe and want to change things are 
the ones who give YSU a bad name. Let's get them out of 
here for once and for all, and get on with the business of 
getting an education. 
Ann Slamson- Slammer in Chief 
Mary Slamatura- News Slammer 
Marilyn Slamovich- Copy Slammer 
Evelyn Sfamland- Slamming Manager 
Joe Slambel? General all-around Slammer 
Slammer Staff: Rick Slamner, Debbie Slamger, Steve 
Slarhgas, Dave Slamlan, Tim Slamney, Angela SJamnts, 
Linda Slamker, Peg Slamach, Stan Slamtek, Bill "the 
Slam" Spotter, Louisa Slamda, Mary Ann Slamery, Ginny, 
Slamdes,Fritz (garbajean) Slammger. 
Slammer Picture Person: Mike "Sly" Slammer 
Slammertizer: Slam Schwartz (King), Kathy Slamaka 
(Wizard) 
Sport Slamspersons: Slam Skyer, Dave Slamsym 
Typing up the Slam: Slam Clerk-, Slam Budai 
Slametary: Mildred McSlam. 
Slams Slambar for being ignorant 
To the editor of The Slambar: 
You idiots. Here we are. The 
sole representatives of CULTURE 
on this campus, and won't even 
send out one of your scummy 
reporters to cover our activities. 
Our second vice- president 
came up to The Slambar 
twenty-seven times to make sure 
that the announcement of the 
Extrageezer Communications 
Colloquium's Second Semi-annual 
Starl ight Square Dance was 
announced in your paper in time 
to make sure all the squares came. 
But no, you couldn't find room 
in your paper to announce it. 
And none of the squares showed 
up. What would YOU do with 87 
gallons of left over corn likker, a 
greased pig, and a ton of hay, not 
to mention having to pay Joe 
Yokel's Band and North, 
Carolina's champion hog caller 
when they didn't have anything 
to do all night except sit around 
and guzzle the corn likker in a 
most disgusting manner. 
The reason no one came is 
because you intellectual snobs 
couldn't find room to announce 
our dance. Oh, but you had room 
to run a review of a lousy English 
fag rock group. And you had 
room to run a' story about some 
godless women's lib cause, you 
commies. And you'gave space to 
the Arab-Israeli war even though 
nobody around here gives a shit 
about that. 
Well let me tell you something. 
You're here to report on people 
like us, the real people on this 
campus. You're a bunch of 
hot-shot suto- intellects up there.. 
Yeah, when we came up you 
treated us like dirt. (We knew you 
didn't like us). 
You write a lousy paper 
anyway. You print nothing but 
lies. Somebody should tell 
somebody about you. 
Loretta Lynn 'thunder thighs' 
Ishkabibel 
Little sisters of ECC 
Galls WEO-YSU 'the good guys' 
To the editor of The Slambar: 
You kids are scum. After all 
we've done for you. When we 
read your account of our last 
WEO-YSU meeting we almost 
puked. 
There was a time when our 
stories were reported on 
objectively, that is, objects we 
wanted hushed . up were. (After 
ali, we want people to like us). 
We; and cram this down your 
collective, throat, we are the good 
guys! We are the upholders of 
what is moral and noble here at 
YSU. Why our former leader, Dr. 
Turkey Boatka is about to be 
canonized by the Roman Church, 
is about to be installed as a guru 
of Hari Krishna, and is considered 
the shining hope of the oppressed 
peoples of the world. 
And- you have the balls to 
malign the WEO-VSU. ... . 
; We can only conclude 
objectively thatvou are bitter 
vicious people;|$fking for glaring 
sensationalists headlines to 
salvage your boring front pages. 
You are obviously warped 
victims of severe toilet training. 
Maybe you should all go into 
therapy. 
Esteemed Big WEO Chicken No, 1 
Esteemed Big WEO Chicken No. 2 
WEO-YSU 
(Where economy originates) 
Raps Rip-O for robbing recipe 
To the editor of The Slambar: 
In a gentlemanly fashion I 
must make.it known.that the 
YSU food service, Rip-o-mation, 
is suspected of spying on my 
Kentucky Fried Chicken food 
?chains in an attempt to discover 
my famous secret recipe. 
I first became suspicious when 
an elderly woman wearing a "real 
meal-deal" sticker came in to 
order a bucket of chicken. I 
realized that she' was a scout for 
the Kilcawley Cafeteria when she 
demanded the recipe for my 
chicken, saying that she had 
always thought that fried chicken 
was coated in grease, not batter. I 
thought nothing of it until later; 
when I discovered that she had 
placed a hidden camera near my 
recipe cards. 
1 I can sympathize with 
Rip-o-mation since it has been.' 
under severe criticism, and faces 
the possibility of being replaced 
by a fast food outfit, but I find 
that trying to better their own 
food service by attempting -to 
steal my famous recipe is 
hogwash! 
I realize that my chicken and 
all the fixins that go with it are 
finger-lickin good, but rather than 
copy my recipes, why not 
contract us instead? 
Colonel Sanders 
Colonel 
Military Science 
Calls non-FLRers 
To the editor of The Slambar: 
For the last few years students 
have submitted letters critisizing 
the Fpreign Language 
Requirement. After reading these 
moronic arguments to abolish the 
FLR I will refute these 
statements once and for all and 
show why YSU students need the 
FLR. 
According to government 
statistics, 42% of all YSU 
students who don't take a foreign 
language are homosexuals, 68% 
are Commie pinko fags, 73% are 
social outcasts, 29% have 
inferiority complexes, and 93.2% 
don't use a strong deodorant. 
The surgeon general has 
determined that not taking a 
foreign language is dangerous to a 
student's health, causing lung 
cancer, heart attack, brain 
damage, the seven year itch, the 
bubonic plague and a mild case of 
prickly heat. Employers have 
been known to discriminate 
against those students who don't 
take the FLR  since employers are 
looking for students who can 
conjugate verbs in Swahili and 
other "relevant" knowledge. 
On the other hand, it has been 
proven that YSU students who 
partake of the fruits of the FLR 
are personable, trustworthy, 
loyal, kind, helpful, thrifty, 
benevolent, obedient, courteous, 
brave, clean, cheerful, reverent, 
and root for the ? Brooklyn 
Dodgers. All  of these students live 
in a cozy little thatched cottage 
by the sea, marry the girl next 
door, own two cars, have tv/o 
chickens in every pot, wear clean 
white socks, vote for Nixon and 
watch the Lawrence Welk show, 
These arguments should 
convince all students that a 
foreign language is for everyone. 
Anyone who bad raps the FLR is 
nothing but a sissy and a big 
ninny.' ' 
Rey Quepasa 
Junior, 
German, French, Latin, 
Spanish, Greek, Russian 
Tuesday, April 1, 1975  The Slambar, Page 3 
Editor's note: The following is a 
Slambar interview with Knute 
Knoc&iees, head coach of the 
YSU tiddlewinks team, and Jock 
Strap, the leading scorer and MVP 
of the team. 
SLAMBAR: Coach, what factors 
do you attribute to the team's 
98-0 record? 
KNOCKNEES: Me. AU the glory 
"should go to me. Without my 
magnificent coaching, ''firm 
discipline and stalwart leadership 
this team would have gone down 
the porcelain receptacle. In all 
due modesty I take full credit for 
the team's success. 
SLAMBAR: How much of a 
contribution did you make to the 
team, Strap? 
STRAP: Dun, I don't know. 
_Coach didn't write a message for 
me to say. I no know what to 
think. 
KNOCKNEES: That goes to show 
you what type of material I have 
to work with. Strap still thinks 
the Chicago 7 is an auto race like 
the Indianapolis 500, only" much 
shorter. Without me this, team is 
nothing. I took a bunch of green 
athletes and transformed them 
into an aggressive, hustling,1, 
fast-breaking tiddlewink team. 
SLAMBAR: Are there any 
immediate plans you have for this 
team? 
KNOCKNEES; Yes, since we 
finished with a perfect record and 
won the NCAAT championship 
by out fiddling Whatsamatta U. I 
feel we are entitled to a stadium. 
STRAP: Dah, that is er right. We 
could be da Notre. Dame of Ohio 
with a stadium, 
SLAMBAR: Are there any concrete 
plans made for this stadium? 
KNOCKNEES: Our governor, 
Dim Rose, has promised us a 
stadium that will seat 20,000 
fans. 
SLAMBAR: i noticed your average 
attendance for the year was 63 
fans. Isn't a 20,000-seat stadium 
being a bit extravagent? 
. STRAPr Not at all, er dah. If a 
stadium were built ah more all 
people would see us. play. That 
makes sense. 
An interview with members ot 
Student Council, conducted by 
The Slambar ended in total 
chaos when -a brawl broke out 
after several Council members 
accused one another of political 
righteousness, yelling that those 
4>seudo-leftists were wrecking the 
calm apathetic spirit Council 
has always managed to maintain. 
Ed "Big Redfin" Caviar, 
chairperson of Council rapped on 
his gavel and told everyone they 
were out of order, but several 
members of Council led by a 
member who would only identify 
himself as"Honest"Sam tied him 
up with^a large mass of red tape 
obtained from Council secretary 
Tillie Nilly. After that all hell 
broke lose. 
One ' Council member seen 
-crawling on his hands and knees' 
from the brawl, later identified as 
Jim i "Little Redfin" Scenery, 
stated that he was down on the 
floor because he like to-keep a 
low profile when it came to 
Council business. 
"What really ticked me off," 
Honest Sam told Slambar 
reporters as he dodged a blow 
from a spectator, "is how Caviar 
hogged the floor for over thirty 
minutes talking about how 
Council members should be brief 
in their statements." 
"Yeah," Bonnie Biilie 
concurred, "it was a clear case of 
demagoguery, dictatorial 
procedure, and inept 
parliamentary practice. It 
stunk." 
Heated debate also broke out 
over a letter to be sent to the' 
governor requesting that the 
national guard not be sent to 
campuses on which students are 
KNOCKNEES: - It's like Social-
Security, it's there if you want ft. 
Besides, what is a paltry $10 
million stadium when we will be 
making all of those fans happy. 
SLAMBAR: Coach, is there any 
truth to the rumors that you 
might sign a contract with a pro 
tiddlewink team? 
KNOCKNEES: That is correctTI 
just finished negotiating a deal 
with the JCalamazoo Tiddlers of 
the World Tiddlewinks League 
and plan ito serve as a coach on 
specialty teams. 
.SLAMBAR: Do you have, any 
regrets in leaving this citadel of 
knowledge, sometimes referred to 
as YSU? 
KNOCKNEES: Hell no. Are you 
out of your mind? I've been 
waiting all of my life to get a 
break like this. YSU was just a 
stepping stone where my fabulous 
talents could be displayed for the 
pros. 
SLAMBAR: I'm sure I speak for 
the entire YSU cqmmunity by 
wishing you the best of luck. 
KNOCKNEES:' Thanks, but I 
i 
stinky' 
complaining about cafeteria food. 
Hie governor had said early this 
week he would "shoot to.kill"! 
any student heard maligning the 
food served, at his college. The 
letter was voted down by "Council 
members. Scenery claimed 
"That's ' a . state affair. If the 
governor wants to shoot students, 
that's not our concern. 
Personally, I hope he blows their 
brains out." ' 
(Cont. on page 4) 
(Cont. from 
include some. pretty kinky stuff 
with the losing team members' 
wives." 
" Briman, under pressure from 
the threat, contacted a leading 
spokesperson for the civil liberties 
society, whose only advice was, 
"Listen, what can we do? Why 
don't you just let them make the 
next move?" 
The editor alleges the 
administration has been 
"terrorizing" the staff for some 
months, siphoning the gas out of 
their cars, scrawling obsenities on 
the windows, and even writing 
bogus letters to the editor dealing 
with The Jambar's coverage of 
the YSU badminton team, which, 
the staff discovered after one of 
those letters appeared, does not 
page 2) 
exist. 
"Hell, how were to know YSU 
doesn't have a badminton team?" 
Briman stated. "We all hate that 
sports shit anyway." 
One administration member 
who was contacted denied any 
truth to Briman's charges that the 
staff has been terrorized and 
"demoralized," in her words. He 
said, "I don't know what that 
chick is talking about. And as for 
that thing about the phony letter, 
I could have sworn we had a 
badminton team." He indicated 
members of the executive office 
building would run the campus 
newspaper until a new staff can 
be found. "We'll run it like it 
should be runv Freedom .of the 
press. Bah!" he remarked. 
assifiedsCI 
PUPPY-Meet me In the Hbrery at 
2:O0-wear red. Wets. 
Humpor-f got the riots for you. 
Love, Marsh mellow Lips 
Young Attractive Male looking for 
young attractive mate to share one 
bed apartment and bubble-bath 
Must Ilka Chiffon. Contact Bruce at 
Twinkle Apartments. 
Out of work-Canary desires 
friendship with pregnant bull-frog 
for erotic reasons. Contact Tweety. 
Handsome young pervert wishes to 
meet disease-ridden Cocker-Spaniel. 
Call 'Gums' at 2301 
Sensuous Ninety-Year Old Woman 
wishes to meet architect to discuss 
future 'erections* Interested parties 
call Masle aat the usual number. 
Ninety-Year Old Man wishes to 
meet female elevator operator' In 
order to get him up. Make contact 
with Willy at his Wick Park Bench. 
For Sale: One Iron-chair, one pair 
;ize eight shackles, one eight foot 
whip (with bells), three quarts baby 
all slightly used {stains will come 
aff). See 'Hairy Legs' In the Locker 
Room. 
TUTOR NEEDED this Friday night 
to study blonlc sex. 
'won't need it. 
'SLAMBAR: Strap, since you are a 
senior what are your plans after 
graduation? 
STRAP: Plans? Graduation? Ah 
gee ah, nobody told me about 
dat. I only play tiddlewinks. 
.SLAMBAR: What are your majors 
and minors? 
STRAP: I'm majoring in beer 
guzzling, girl chasing and 
tiddlewinks. I'm minoring in 
basketweaving, lunch and 
foosball. 
SLAAtBAR: It sounds like a' 
grueling academic cirriculum. 
Have you had difficulties with 
any of your classes? 
STRAP: .Ah' only with, ah 
basketweaving. Some of da 
professors I had made all sorts of 
hard assignments ' like reading 
books with no pictures in dem. 
One teacher said he would not 
pass anyone who did not score 
higher dan a 40 per cent for the 
finals. Gee, how rough can a guy 
get? ' 
SLAMBAR: What proression do 
you plan to enter with the 
courses you have taken at 'this 
holy temple of knowledge and 
truth? 
STRAP: I want to be either a 
bwain surgeon or a supreme court 
justice. 
SLAMBA& It figures. 
"Mel Sitegag's Comic Piece" 
?Harry Truman 
"The circumcision scene was possibly the best ever 
filmed" ' 
?Rabbf Morris Schhtum 
"They should have gotten Mel Brooks to do it." 
?Woody Allen 
'This one would even gag Linda Lovelace" 
"I was great" 
?Gene Wilder 
"We'had a helluva time fitting him, but it really-
helped hold back the...uh...Suspense!" 
?John Podhortzer, 
? Pres. American Condom Corp, 
"Spo.wasI" 
?Marty Feldman 
?Harpo Marx 
Young's 
Frankenshmekle 
See this tale of a disturbed young doctor from a 
good Jewish family create a monster who was given 
13 on his first birthday, and didn't . need a 
Bar-Mitzvah to prove he was a man. 
STARRING 
James Caan as Sonny 
Ruta Lee as Red Buttons 
n 
Ted Knight as Mary Tyler Moore 
Shecky Green as Marty Feldman 
A special cameo appearance by Oral Roberts 
The Slambar, Page 4  Tuesday, April 1, 1975 
Heartholow experiments on rats; 
finds abundant supply at YSU 
Editor's note: The following is an 
interview with H, H, Heartholow, 
instructor in YSU's futuristic 
food and nutrition department. 
SLAMBAR: Tell us, Mr. 
Heartholow, what is a biochemist 
with your distinquished 
background doing teaching 
nutrition classes in Clingen 
Waddel? 
HEARTHOLOW: Well, we ran 
out of experimental rats and mice 
down at MIT and I was unable to 
go on with my work. I was very 
pleased to hear about Clingen 
Waddel and its abundant rat 
population. You know .what they. 
say, if the rat won't come to the 
researcher, the researcher must go 
to the rat. It's so convenient to 
reach under the desk and bag a 
rat every time I'm ready for an 
experiment. . 
SLAMBAR: You must be a very 
dedicated researcher. What sort of 
experiments do you conduct? 
HEARTHOLOW: For example, I 
fed five rats food from the 
student union. You see, I wanted 
to make sure the food was safe 
before I ventured to eat any. 
SLAMBAR: What were the 
results of that experiment? 
HEARTHOLOW: Two of the five 
rats died of malnutrition and 
three died from colon cancer 
from one'of the student union's 
typical diets. (I will continue 
packing my lunch). 
SLAMBAR: Do you experiment 
on any animals besides rats? 
HEARTHOLOW: Yes, on YSU 
students. One of my next projects 
will be to take the average, feeble 
minded, miserable YSU student 
and convert it into a 
SUPERDIETICIAN! 
SLAMBAR: How will you 
attempt to do .this? 
HEARTHOLOW: First of all, I 
will send it to the library to read 
sophisticated medical and 
istory club violence sends faculty 
"That was the liveliest meeting 
we ever had," said Dr. Martin 
Begger, history, commenting on 
the violence that broke out at-
yesterday's History Club meeting. 
Thirteen faculty members have 
been hospitalized and eleven 
others were arrested, on charges of 
assault and gross sexual 
perversions. 
"Sexual Deviations of the Red 
Army and Their Origins in the 
Marxist Dialectic" was the topic 
of a film and lecture presented by 
Dr. George Slapsticky, history. 
Slapsticky said "The audience 
seemed to retain their intellectual 
reserve during the lecture, but 
during the film on the sexual 
brutalities of Russian occupying 
forces in World War II the crowd 
became rather uneasy. I think 
those gang rapes in Warsaw really 
IS 
got to them. Anyway, by the 
time the lights were back on, all 
hell had broken loose." 
"The trouble," said Dr. Fred 
Blew, history, "was the usual 
left-versus-right fights we always 
have in the history department." 
"It's hard to say who started 
it," said Charles Drooling, 
history. "All I said was, rapes or 
no rapes, I'd still rather have a 
Red for'a friend than a goddam 
redneck flag-waving John Bircher 
son-of-a---and that's when 
somebody broke -my glasses with 
his fist." 
Fuel was added to the flames 
when Dr. Labia Minora, English, 
demanded that the group discuss 
objectively the "obvious 
disgusting male 'chauvinism 
displayed in the film as well as 
the implications .regarding 
women's rights." 
I 
"I'll give you a right, babe!" 
screamed Dr. Thomas Copulation, 
English, who promptly swung his 
right fist at her, just grazing her 
cheek. 
"I was expecting audience 
participation," commented 
. Begger, "but I think Dr. ftMarpIe 
went too far when he proceeded 
to re-dramatize certain acts in the 
film with one of the graduate 
students." 
Begger would not specify 
whether the grad student was 
male or female saying, "Either 
way, Joe's going to spend a long 
time in the slammer." 
Seeking an explanation for the 
unusual behavior exhibited at the 
meeting, The Slambar went to Dr. 
U. R. Crazy . , director of the 
Consoling Center. His only 
comment was "Gee, I'm sorry I 
missed'the fun." 
$56,500 missing-
Chippendale explains fund loss 
"Boy,' was I nervous" said 
Bursar Tom Chippendale after 
undergoing six hours of 
interrogation by the Board of 
Trussees in regards to $56,493.31 
missing from University funds. 
President John Coughup said, 
"The Board appears to be 
satisfied with Chippendale's 
explanations for the missing 
money." 
Chippendale explained to The 
Slambar that thera&> problem 
was the growing demands for 
appropriations for extracurricular 
and miscellaneous activities. For 
example he cited the cost overrun 
of last year's mail room crew 
picnic. "That orgy cost us $1,500 
just for the damages," observed 
Chippendale. 
/ . He alluded to some professors 
other needs. "When a professor 
comes to see you at your home at 
11:30 at night and tells you how 
bad he needs some money to get 
tenure appointment, what's a guy 
to do?" said Chippendale, 
shrugging his shoulders. He 
added, "Maybe my problem is I 
just can't say no." 
When The Slambar inquired' 
whether he had ever expropriated 
any money for himself, 
Chippendale winked and said, 
"Well, my wife and I did have a 
.lice vacation trip over spring 
(Cont. from page 1). 
Can, Teach! The Reverend 
Trupka na, Kupka will officiate. 
Hie place of burial has been 
referred to the Senate 
Entertainment Committee for 
debate. They are expected to 
report on their decision before 
next winter quarter. A good 
crowd is expected. 
(Cont. from page 3) 
Representative Jorge 
Kafhilaiious ended the debate by 
asking, "Could you explain just 
what the national guard does?" 
At that remark, quorum broke, 
and members scrambled for the 
door. 
break. But don't print that, okay, 
kid? Here, is five bucks enough?" 
Psychology Dept. 
announces FLR 
experiment 
The psychology department 
announced today the controversial 
foreign language department was 
part \ of a psychological 
experiment set up 20 years ago to 
find out what college students 
would do when subjected to an 
absolutely irrelevant requirement. 
Dr. Librale Ba'rnum: 
coordinator for the experiment, 
said that the most interesting 
result of the experiment was the 
reaction of the faculty, which was 
not^informed of the experiment.. 
"Amazing enough, they werel 
able to'1* come up with 
rationalizations for the 
foreign language as a major. "I 
can just imagine what will happen 
when the language majors go over 
to another country," said 
Barnum, who began to giggle 
uncontrollably. 
scientific journals, say for about 
18 hours every day, make it listen 
to my wonderful lectures for 
about one hour every day, make 
it work on it's term paper for 
about three hours per day and let 
it spend the rest of the day doing 
the other homework I give it. 
SLAMBAR: That sounds like" 
quite a work load. How will you 
convince your student to actually 
do all of this? 
HEARTHOLOW: Because ' if it 
doesn't I will use shock treatment, 
on it, I will flog it, thrash it 
around and flunk it. 
SLAMBAR: Won't the student 
object? 
HEARTHOLOW: No, all my 
students love me. I'm very lovable 
^.as well as brilliant and witty. 
SLAMBAR: I did hear one ofVour ? 
students say you're "all heart." 
STARRING: 
JoBOlie 
as 
Jack 
"They really mowed them pinkos down" 
-JOE 
"RRrugfdrrrruihggrr 
-Young Frankenshmekle 
"I was great" 
-Tom Laughlin 
kil Umaulme Center 
OnCJOy ? *Tks ?r?>$ * red I ? 
T.,A^J ?" S'oper Torpedo $*\Op%t 
J J . Octopi 7?&/c/es HSS